*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
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For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
6: are snakes just neck?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
worst…sale…ever
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?