therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Look at this
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”