knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*