Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
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[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Practicing safe sax