😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
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*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Breaking news:
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*