Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
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dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
That’s incredible! 👌
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings