BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
You Might Also Like
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Jail
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I unironically love this joke.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Something Saturday.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?