People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Solving a traffic jam
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.