Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water