I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
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Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Don’t make me out nice you.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Probably my best painting.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors