Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
You learn something every day
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.