If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
🙁