doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
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Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.