Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?