Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
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“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Great acting.. 😂
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.