IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
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Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend