Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Baller is short for ballerina
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.