Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
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Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Love it! 👍😂
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.