You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
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Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!