I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
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Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses