Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
The Punning Dead.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.