Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.