Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Science memes
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
me doing my best
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.