Checkmate, Flat Earthers
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Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!