CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
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hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
You had me at “define legal”.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”