Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
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Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
is nasa ok
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
23. the denim jacket
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.