[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator