Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof