Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
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Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”