“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
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Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it