So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.