7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
You Might Also Like
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.