Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
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Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what