my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
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Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”