It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.