ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
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My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”