I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
You Might Also Like
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph