Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Finished stitching this today 😇
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.