Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.