ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
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“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
when someone compliments me
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside