A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.