WHO DID THIS?
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
watergate? u mean a dam??
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
What’s a Messi?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.