Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.