Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
You Might Also Like
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created