me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.