You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Still my favourite meme.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*