Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
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NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
it was a valiant fight
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two