“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
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“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
yes… yes…
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.