My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating