I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.